5/17 Personalities emerging—your names suit you!

5/17 Personalities emerging—your names suit you!

You've been in our lives 11 days..and you are each so beautiful and so perfect. You are sweet and good babies, who—for the most part—eat, sleep, and have quiet, alert, awake activity of looking all around with expressive wide eyes, taking in the world. Keegan, you know what you want and when the paci proves it has no milk, you tell everyone of the injustice. ;) Shaun you are quiet and content. If you speak your mind, we know to listen(!) because it takes a lot to upset you. Joshua, your tummy seems to bother you more than the others, so you fuss a bit after meals. But in all, you are each perfect and beautiful. I thank God He sent each of you to us. 

5/11 Shaun's going back into the hospital.

May 11 - Shaun's back in the hospital. 

On our first night home, Shaun had periods of duskiness around his mouth. So scary! As a nursing major, I knew that this was because of a drop in oxygen, but I didn't know what was causing it or how serious it was or wasn't. I listened to his rapid little heart with my steth, and his heart rate dropped a bit at times, but I'm not enough of a pro to know if it was due to his changes in activity level, if he has something like Zach's cardiac dysrhythmia (which is harmless to him), or if he was experiencing a more serious cardiac symptom (due to his prematurity and that he's a multiple). Why do these things never happen during the day?? At 10 pm, I was calling the on-call Kaiser nurse, my good friend who's an oncology nurse, who called our pastor's wife, who's a pediatric nurse, and I was texting my pediatric nursing professor. I am so thankful to have such *wonderful* resources!!! As he was having no other symptoms, we determined that we could safely stay home if someone was watching him all night. His grandmas volunteered for the shift so Dave and I could get some sleep and just do the feedings. They made a pot of coffee and stayed up with him—aaallll night. (Go moms!!!) The next morning, after calling his doctor, Shaun was allowed direct admission for overnight observation, and bypassed the germy and lengthy wait of the ER. *So thankful for our doctor!* Shaun's oxygen levels averaged in the low 90s, dropping to 80 with the duskiness, and we learned that recent research is showing that the circumoral cyanosis is less concerning if it doesn't involve the lips. So, Shaun dropped to the 80s with his circumoral cyanosis, but if it had reached his lips, his O2 would have likely dropped to be in the more concerning 60s or 70s. So that was reassuring! After monitoring his heart and oxygen overnight and doing an EKG, it was determined that any heart issues were normal newborn issues (PDA, PFO), and that it was likely that he just was suffering from reflux, which, in him, was causing a vasovagal response, dropping his oxygen level.  So reassuring to have had him monitored and to have such reassuring reports! He was sent home with Zantac for his reflux and the tiniest dose and syringe for this 4 1/2 pounder! He's so tiny, but so perfect! (And even as our littlest, he's such a good size compared to many, many other triplets. Again, we are so blessed.)

**This was written in hindsight. Going through it was a lot more emotional—especially with sleep debt! :)**

5/6 Welcome Keegan, Shaun, and Joshua! Miraculous. The birth and recovery.

5/6 Welcome Keegan, Shaun, and Joshua! Miraculous. The birth and recovery.

Your birth was beautiful! I got to watch you each being born in the reflection of the OR lights. Keegan, you came out bottom first. And Shaun and Joshua, you each came out feet first. The OR was filled with each of your first cries, and the beautiful chorus of the three of you crying your hellos together. Like we'd been praying for, you each were healthy and we all were able recover together and room together. 

Keegan Jonathan: 

Born at 1:54 pm

5 pounds 10 ounces

18" long

Keegan: Little fiery one. 

Jonathan: Gift of God.

Shaun Benjamin:

Born at 1:55 pm

4 pounds 8 ounces

17 1/2" long

Shaun: God is gracious. 

Benjamin: Son of my right hand. (and yes, he was on my right side! :))

Joshua Roger: 

Born at 1:56 pm

4 pounds 14 ounces

17 1/4" long

Joshua: The Lord is my salvation

Roger: Mighty warrior. (and you have a battle cry of a voice!)

All middle names were chosen for godly men in our lives who have loved us and influenced our lives tremendously. We love you and are so thankful for your presence in our lives! Also Joshua is Dave's middle name. We loved these names and their meanings. We pray you boys will grow in wisdom, godliness, and character!

The first few days in the hospital were miserable for my recovery. I hemorrhaged after birth making recovery even harder (as if it wasn't enough going from pregnant with three to none)! But you three were such joys. Joshua, you had a 10 hour stint in the NICU for blood sugar regulation, but no biggie. Not even an overnight in the NICU between the three of you. Shaun, you had the movie star treatment with sun glasses as you laid out under the bili lights. And you were all so beautiful, healthy, and perfect. 

What a miracle. That we had triplets. That I'm 5'1" and carried all three. That we were able to carry them to term for triplets to our scheduled c-section at 36.3 weeks. That I was able to finish my last semester of classes of nursing school. That we were able to recover together after the c-section. And that they were all take-home babies!!!!  God, you are amazing. Thank you for answering our prayers! 

5/6 Happy Birthday!

Thursday, May 6:

Today's the day! It's a good day for three birthdays! This morning is cloudy and cool, and it's supposed to be beautifully sunny later. I imagine it will be just as you are three are born!  Can't wait to meet you! 

5/5 The night before the c-section.

Wednesday, May 5, 2010

Night before our c-section:

Final stats by my c-section date: 

I am 36.3 weeks pregnant

I measure 52 weeks pregnant—52 cm to top of funds. 

I am 52 inchs around.  

(I'm still only 61 inches tall!) :)

I've gained 46 pounds. 

Wow!!! My body has changed and compensated so much in the last 8 months! What a miracle. …And not unlike birth, it's a gross miracle—but beautiful in it's own way. I'm actually going to miss my huge belly! Sure, it's inconvenient, terribly heavy, Dave has to help me up and down into bed or on the sofa, and creates it's own problems, but it's been with my every day, growing and growing. I'm used to it now. What will it feel like tomorrow when it's suddenly smaller? (And by smaller, I've been joking that I'll now look only 9 months pregnant. :) Who knows?!?)   I'm scared for the after effects on my body, but looking forward to meeting the the little boys my body has nourished and grown through this process. Thank you, God, for allowing Keegan, Shaun, and Joshua to grow this long in my body!!! Please bless their birth tomorrow!!! Help them to thrive outside the womb and be born with no complications. Help the birth process for me to be smooth as well, that I'd respond well to the anesthesia and recovery from it, that there'd not be too much bleeding, and help them be able to stop it with no difficulties. (The uterus has been over distended and may have trouble contracting, so complications have been discussed with me and solutions are meds, transfusions, and hysterectomy—in that order.)

Today, we met with a neonatologist who was wonderful in helping us understand babies born at this age…complications they may face, and how well they'll do. Overall, they'll do great, but may have a few lung troubles, or challenges learning to feed, but all will balance out very quickly. 

Unfortunately, I started coming down with a cold yesterday… sore throat, sneezing, coughs, low-grade fever, and congestion. I've taken so much vitamin C today and have had so much water in trying to combat this cold. More importantly, people are praying for a miraculously quick healing! As of tomorrow, I'll have had major abdominal surgery and have stables in my stomach—this is NO time to be coughing or sneezing. Much more importantly, I'll have three premie babies who CANNOT get sick! 

And now, little ones—Keegan, Shaun, and Joshua, I cannot wait to meet you! I can't wait to see if you, Keegan and Joshua, are as active as you've been in utero! Shaun, will you be quieter and more reserved? You are much quieter than the other two (unless I just can't tell based on your position). You only seem to really get going when I rock. You have always had a lower baseline for your heart rate too. (120s, whereas Keegan and Joshua have been in the 140s to 160s).  I can't wait to see if you three get the hiccups as much outside as you did inside. (Keegan, you got them the most!) I can't wait to see how much you weigh, what you look like, and get to know your personalities. And yet…this all seems so surreal! We've been waiting and waiting for this moment—praying we'd get here. Now we're here, and it seems like I need another week. I was ready and excited two nights ago, and yet tonight, it just seems so hard to grasp that tomorrow night, we'll be in recovery together, getting to know each other. On Friday, you'll get to meet your big brother, Zachary! He's so excited to meet you! He's been waiting for this day, counting down to it. He'll be such a good big brother too!!!  We can't wait, little ones! I love you already. 

Much love, Mommy. 

4/30 C-section date is set!

4/30

As I've journeyed through the last seven months, processing triplets, I've gone through grief, anxiety, and acceptance, repeatedly—even to these last few days! Dave has been so sweet in letting me process my honest and raw emotions, without judgement, and as a result, I feel that I am now honestly ready to meet these little ones. …as ready as one can ever be! :)

Yesterday, we set the c-section date! It was such a wonderful time with Dr. Gogia. She really helps us think through things, weigh the risks, prepare us for what will happen and what could happen. She has truly heard my heart over the pain of my last c-section, has made sure that the anesthesiologist that I had with Zachary will not be doing the c-section this time, and I feel confident in her ability and her calm. Now, all that is left is to pray for the surgeons, the anesthesiologist, the nurses, and the surgery, as well as great outcomes for the boys and for me! It was wonderful to set a date and it was so scary as well!!! Now we have a date, and if they don't surprise us and come sooner, they will be here a week from yesterday! May 6 at 1pm. It's so close. Reality is upon us. This is the last week, I will get to hold them all at the same time, safely, snugly, securely, in my belly; the last week that I will get to nourish them without the lack of sleep and challenges of tiny infants learning to breastfeed. This is the last week that we have as a family of 3. This is the last week of Zach being our only child; that he will have a room to is own and his Mommy and Daddy to himself.  There is much to be missed, and much to look forward to. But transition and change is hard.  

This week at small group, Matthew asked us to reflect on the sermon from Sunday—God's beauty and where do we see it. Well, nothing profound specifically came to mind, but many small things did. I see beauty in Zach's precious face and voice when he talks to me. I see beauty in nature, God's creation. I see beauty in the incredible ways He's provided for us financially in this pregnancy (with unexpected gifts, and the generosity of friends and family), and that He's provided for me emotionally in this pregnancy, through Dave, Linda, Alicia, Tabitha, Marla, etc., and my small group. And while this pregnancy has distorted my body, likely beyond what it can readily recover from, it is beautiful that it has adapted to carrying these three little ones. And while there is ugliness and unsightliness in the body (during and after pregnancy) and in the delivery itself, there is a remarkable and profound beauty that comes right after, as the first little cries of life itself break through the air for the first time. As each messy little baby is wiped off and they adjust to the air and light of the delivery room and then they are handed to Mommy and Daddy, there is such a greater beauty to be discovered than the few minutes prior. From the miracle of their conception, through the beauty of pregnancy, through the miraculous, painful, and messy process of birth, to the beauty of us meeting them. The beauty after the pain and trials will be greater than the beauty we knew before. I can't wait to meet you, Little Ones. You are precious to me already! 

God, please keep them safe and growing this last week. Please bless this next journey as they enter the world. Please bless our last week together as a family of three. 

4/6; 4/26 School is done! And I'm still pregnant! 35 weeks. Miraculous.

4/6

I really do journal infrequently! I find that there's little time between balancing Zachary, school, and this pregnancy! It may be better that I don't journal frequently, or it may've turned into a gripe fest of symptoms. This pregnancy isn't one to mess around with! It's rough and tough!

4/26 

Well, I got interrupted from writing on the 6th and now it's the 26th. Wow. Time flies. I don't know how people continue to journal or blog AFTER their babies are born! Well, since the 6th, I've finished school—wahoo! and praise the Lord! I will officially be able to walk for my BSN on May 29th! (…Who knows when I'll take my boards, but that'll come.) Then I finished 45 thank you notes. And now… I wait. I'm 35 weeks today. I will deliver sometime in the next 2 weeks—probably sometime next week. Some moms by this point are begging the doctors for a c-section now due to the discomfort, etc., but for me, not only do I rationally know it's best for them inside (continuing development of the lung, the suck/swallow/breathe skills, the GI with decreasing likelihood of reflux…), but emotionally, I nervous! What will it be like to have three little ones at once?? What will it be like to hold three of them?? (I realize this will not be the norm to hold three at once, but what will it be like??? What will it be like to try and learn with each one of them how they best breast feed, and get them passed that initial, difficult learning curve? What will it be like to change — not 8 diapers a day — but 24? How will I rock them, know them individually, and love them enough? I'm scared. I never asked for three. I never dreamt of having three at one time. When I asked God this morning how in the world would I do three at once, and how does He love and care for all His children at once, He seemed to press on my heart, "Just take one at a time." Lord, please give me strength, grace, knowledge, wisdom, and love enough to tend to each of my 4 boys needs and hearts! Will you please help me, Lord? I know that I cannot do it on my own!!!! 

Despite my fears, I can't wait to hold each one. I wonder, what will they look like? How big will they be? Will I have the same sort of instant bond and connection with each of them as I did with Zachary? I was almost as nervous prior to meeting Zachary! And that was amazing! :) I guess my biggest worry is that I don't have enough hands to hold all three at once. I don't have enough breasts to feed all of them at once.  Lord, please multiply me. Please help my sons each feel connected with Dave and with me and with each other. Let them never feel a lack. 

Lord, I can take comfort in the fact that you did choose to give me three. And you chose for me to be the mother of these boys specifically. It's not a matter of if it will happen or if I can do it… It IS happening. Therefore, I will do it. OK, then. off we go!

2/27 I'm in school—on bedrest. Go nursing school!

School. 

In January, I completed my Applied Research class for nursing, and began clinicals. This semester's clinicals are the easiest so far. It's community health, and my assignment is more like parish nursing. I'm visiting older adults in their homes—mainly just visiting—but using my nursing eyes to assess them as they talk through doctors appointments, falls, medications, feelings of weakness, or exhibit loss of balance, depression, memory difficulties, etc. My two professors this semester are wonderful. In addition to being hilarious and the best of friends with each other, they bring such insight to the content they teach and a unique style of teaching. 

My favorite thing about them right now though? Is that they are protective of me and these babies! They are committed to seeing me through this semester and having me graduate while still having three healthy little babies. I've been able to work ahead a bit on assignments, and they've been working with my clinical hours to make sure I can get them in without stress on my body. Furthermore, there's a hospital bed (ironically, a labor and delivery bed!) in our classroom! Gotta love nursing school! Anyway, I truly am on bed rest—while in class! Hilarious. :) A little embarrassing at first! But everyone's used to it now, I'm in the back, and it's just one more way I can help protect and nurture these little ones. 

2/27 Processing triplets.

2/27 Processing the triplets. 

Throughout these months, when I stop and take time to process the fact that we're having triplets, I find myself with feelings of dread, being overwhelmed, depressed, and anxious. Again, I come back to God's sovereignty and His best for us. And again, I question, 'Why on earth would He have chosen to give us three at once?' One is sweet. Two are cute. Three are a preschool, a daycare center, etc. But, for whatever reason, God believes it's best for Zachary, and for the other three, that this is their family, their siblings, and their birth order. They will need each other, rely on each other, defend each other, love and fight with each other, and ultimately—I pray—be the best of friends to each other. All Dave and I can do is do our very best of parenting to them—to love them, nurture them, listen to them, provide for them, pray for them, and guide them. God, will you please give us the emotional, physical, spiritual, and mental resources to do this?? And will you please walk so closely with us—that we feel your presence and help?

2/27 ALL BOYS?!?! That's a lotta boys!!!!

2/27

Can you tell it's been busy??? It's definitely not that I haven't been experiencing 2 months of emotions and physical growth and changes! I just can't believe how busy life can become (and this, I say before triplets!…) Well, let me go back and see if I can capture some of the thoughts and processing I've been going through since my last entry. 

First, we found out that we were having—ALL BOYS! This came as quite a shock. Once again, I found myself "yelling" (ok, more like exclaiming) at the sonographer, "YOU COULDN'T HAVE GIVEN ME ONE GIRL???" She took this rather well and turned and yelled at Dave, "YOU COULDN'T'VE GIVEN HER ONE GIRL???" :) Well, after the excitement, we continued on to look at our beautiful healthy boys. I was so thankful that they were healthy and decided that I was so happy and thankful for these three healthy little boys growing inside me. It's funny how we think we can "decide" on emotions. I process a lot of things cognitively, but there's no denying that I am full of emotion that needs to be processed honestly in order to truly get to healthy, joyful acceptance. Dave and I were not 20 steps outside of Kaiser Sand Canyon when we said to each other, "So…maybe we try for a girl in a few years. …Five is a lot!!! FOUR is a lot! … but…maybe we try for a girl." :) That night when we went to bed, I started sobbing over the fact that I wasn't having a girl—not even one. It's not like me to sob…really and truly sob, but I did. I've wanted a little girl for over 5 years—a little girl with little pink dresses, and cute little clothes; someone to go shopping with, bake and cook with, get pedicures together, and have heart-to-hearts with. I enjoy sports, playing sports, watching sports, and running around. And Zach and I do love to bake together. But I'm a girl, through and through, and there's something to sharing life with other women. I know that even if I were to have a girl, that she might not enjoy the same kind of activities as me. I've been told, 'Oh she'd probably be a tomboy, with all those brothers,' but let me dream, people! I know! I've enjoyed every bit of Zachary, but something in my heart yearns still for a girl. And, let me cling to the hope that if God should ever bless me with a girl, that we would share a close, meaningful, enjoyable, and girly life-long relationship. And should God not bless me with a girl, I need to grieve the loss of these ideals. It doesn't soothe the loss completely to know that this is what God has chosen for us and He is sovereign and He is good, and He knows best… It does help knowing these things. And it helps even more knowing that He is with me on this journey. But it's still a journey I must take. And so the processing began. 

One day, I found myself at Target while Zach was at preschool. At Target—alone! Ahhh….Let the browsing begin! I wandered slowly up and down the baby aisles, looking at the cute little outfits, car seat toys, and blankets; deciding which bottles I would use for the third baby who's not breastfeeding during that given feeding, etc and I began to get excited about the sweet infant stage that was coming my way. It's not true what people say, you know; that the infant stage is the hardest. Maybe with three it will be, managing the round the clock feedings and the diapers and crying, etc. But to me, with Zachary, looking back, as hard as it was, there was just a simple joy to it. This sweet, beautiful, dependent little baby, didn't make constant noise, clutter, and ask the toughest of questions. He just cooed, and slept, and fed, and looked up at me, and smiled. :) (Dear Lord, let these next three escape colic too!!!) There are truly wonderful things at every stage of development. As I looked through the infant paraphernalia, I found myself getting looking forward to welcoming these three little ones into the world! …And then it happened. Pink. Pink car seat toys, pink bath toys, pink little dresses, and <gasps> the icing on the cake—a pink little ballerina set, complete with pink tutu and shoes. Sighs. I walked out to the car and called my mother-in-law, who had been hoping with me for the last few years that our next one would be a little girl. It was so good to share my heart with her—my honest feelings of longing without having to feel feelings of guilt for being ungrateful to God for these three precious boys. From her, I never get "shoulds" and corrections on feelings. She feels free to speak Truth to me at times, but when she does, it always seem like the right time to hear it. And on that day, she did what I needed most at that moment. She reflected my feelings back and shared with me sympathetically the sadness of not expecting a girl, sharing her disappointment as well. I'm pretty sure we ended our conversation looking forward to these three little ones coming, and then those feelings were more sincere than if we'd steamrolled our disappointments. You see?? That's what having a little girl is about to me! That relationship of getting to share life with other women. It's a special bond—that starts from birth with that little girl. Anyway, I have already begun to pray for my relationship with my future daughter-in-laws!

So here I am. 26.5 (26 weeks and 5 days). 9 weeks, 2 more days to go. By 28 weeks, the lungs will have matured a lot more. And by 33-34 weeks, there'll be a much lower chance of any long term complications. Lord, please help us to get to 36 weeks with healthy little boys! 

12/18 The news is out! Semester is done!

12/18

My semester just ended and I can finally breathe! There's still much work to be done…housework, Christmas shopping, packing to travel, starting coursework for next semester, hours for HR, etc. BUT, I now don't have the imminent pressure of a final deadline for school. ahhh. So I'll take a moment and reflect. What's happened since my last entry on 11/21? First, the news is out! And it's refreshing to be able to be so open now. We were able to tell my friends from my old job in Human Resources, Dave's office, and then my nursing class. These tellings were each so fun! Brian, Dave's boss did such a fun presentation and a the Christmas story beginning with four covered pictures on a table up front and a quiz of, "How well do you know IMC (Integrated Marketing Communications)?" The last question was on IMC babies. The first picture was of an IMC couple who'd recently just had their first baby. The next picture was of Dave, Zachary and me. And the question went like this, 'As you know we've recently had a new baby born to a couple in IMC. And Dave and Karen have announced that they too are expecting. What you don't know, is that there are two more IMC babies on the way. Write down who you think is expecting.' :) Then he lifted off the covers from the remaining two pictures—of Dave, Zachary, and me. :) Oh my goodness! There was such fun chaos and surprise.  

Telling my nursing class the news was also so much fun!!! I hosted our Level III Christmas party on Monday night (12/14) and we crammed 30 plus people into our little 800 sq. foot home. We had cider and hot cocoa, Christmas music, a table full of treats, and much laughter and talking. Then Dave and I announced that we had news about our pregnancy. When we announced it was triplets, the place exploded with screams and laughter of surprise and joy. So fun! And, there's no better place for excitement than in a room of mostly girls who have not had a baby yet. (All my hesitancy of multiples came after having one baby and finding out how hard it was!) Such joy to share the news with friends! Dave and I have had our time to process and freak out, and now we look on this pregnancy with joy and utter reliance on God. It's wonderful then, to be able to share our joy with our friends and family. I know they will be praying for us and helping us—and I am thankful! 

So, now at 16 weeks and four days, I look like I'm 6+ months pregnant. I need to sit down or lay down often, and if I don't obey my body, it lets me know it! Dave has been amazing in his care for Zachary and me. He's made meals, done the cleaning, the errands, the bedtimes. —Lord, I pray for Dave that you would bless his strength. He is doing so much for us at home, working at Biola and also trying to find time for his side business to provide for us. Please give him strength, restoration, and emotionally uplifting support. Please give me energy, strength, and a healthy, term pregnancy, so that I can help him in every way I can, while still protecting and nourishing these babies. Give us time and patience and sweet moments with Zachary in all of this. —

Today is a big, big day. It's our 16 week Md appt. We hope to find out the sexes of the babies!!! Lord, we are so excited, and have our own personal thoughts of what would be best for this family. BUT! obviously YOU know what's best for us, and we want what you want (in addition, we can't change it anyway!), so please, help us to be excited and trusting with whatever you give us! 

They'll also measure my cervix to see how it looks, and maybe do other things too, like testing for gestational diabetes, etc. 

11/21 "Those are our kids!"

11/21 

So I realize I've not journaled in the last 40 days or so. So here's a catch-up. The first month of knowing, Dave and I were processing through the shock. Then as the pregnancy continued to progress without complications, we began to share with family members and a few others. We already realize the need for community, support, and prayer for this special pregnancy. 

Although I'm sick with less regularity with this pregnancy, it's much stronger than with Zachary. Between weeks 9 and 12, I had days where I couldn't walk across the house without getting sick due to the motion of walking! That also goes for driving in the car. I had aversions to not just one food, but my entire kitchen. The thought of food or looking at food was enough to send me running to the bathroom—another place of strong aversion, go figure. :) It seemed like every week (or every few days) I had a stand-by food that could stay down…Egg salad sandwiches for a few days, Taco Bell for like a week, pizza, burritos…I know. I'm the picture of health. Hey, but when there's only one thing that sounds good and one thing that stays down, that's the thing to eat. ..until it doesn't, then move on, and please don't ever mention that food to me again. 

Then there's the heartburn. In early pregnancy, even though the stomach and intestines aren't squished yet, progesterone relaxes the valve between the stomach and the esophagus, allowing gastric acid to seep back up. This explains why I was experiencing heartburn at 4 weeks! With a triplet pregnancy, my progesterone levels were far beyond what a singleton's is by the end of their first trimester. Crazy.

Anyway, the sickness and the intense heartburn was almost enough to do me in. That said, I had many good days in there too, and by the grace of God I was never sick outside the home!!! Now that I'm at the end of week 12, I feel a glimmer of hope as the sickness seems to be tapering. We'll see about heartburn. 

In this time, Dave and I also had a beautiful turning point as we journey through this pregnancy. On 11/5 (10 weeks, 3 days), we had a beautiful ultrasound. We've had a couple prior to this, but this was the first one that was so clear. We saw each of our babies…their heads, their little arms and legs, pumping and kicking furiously as the wiggled around. It was breathtaking. We heard each of their little heartbeats—so rapid—so perfect. One of them was so active, it was hard to get a good measure of his heartbeat for a while. That's right, I said him. Oh, I don't know if it's a boy yet or not, but it is. And that's Zach's little protege. Zachary was SO active in utero, and that did not change when he came out! :) So this will be Zach's bud. :) Well, that little one got the other two all riled up. :) Here we go… it begins inside! Dave and I watched the screen in amazement, holding hands. When we were driving home, Dave said, "Those are our kids!" It was a special moment, when this went from being a "triplet pregnancy" to seeing and loving and watching "our children." 

We had another Md appt on 11/19 and met another perinatologist. (Kaiser has three in this area, and I'm scheduled between them, based on availability, and am seen every two weeks.) The first one (11/5) was very warm, took her time with us, answered questions, and gave us lots of information. This last one (11/19) was an older perinatologist with a lot more caution and reserve. She painted a much more bleak picture of the real possibilities and statistics of premature births with triplets. Term for trips is 36 weeks. Average length of carrying triplets is 32-33 weeks. And she emphasized that that meant that 50% were born prior to this and the earlier they were born, the more severe the complications. She recommends bed rest beginning at 20 weeks! I clarified, "…depending one how the pregnancy's going, right? …If it's going well, that might not be necessary, right?" To this she responded, "I like to not have to look back and ask, 'What more could I have done?…Is there something I should have done differently.' This is a very short time in your life, with very long term effects."  ….Point taken. So this perinatologist continued to broaden our understanding of this pregnancy, and it will be good to have these multiple professional perspectives. That, and all the prayer we can get for healthy, 36 week, take-home babies. :)

Well, that about sums it up! I'm including the following excerpt from Tozer from a friend of mine who is ever-grounded and wise beyond her years. 

11/21

"Therefore I cannot for the life of me see any reason in the world why anyone should be fearful and timid, saying 'I'm afraid I can't make it; I'm afraid God can't keep me.' God can keep the stars in their courses and the planets in their orbits; God can keep all His vast display of might everywhere throughout His universe. Surely God can keep YOU.... How completely satisfying to turn from our limitations to a God who has none. Eternal years lie in His heart. For Him, time does not pass, it remains; and those who are in Chirst share with Him all the riches of limitless time and endless years. God never hurries. There are no deadlines against which He much work. Only to know this is to quiet our spirits and relax our nerves." AW Tozer - posted by Sharayah Elkins

10/11 Processing a triplet pregnancy

10/11

Today, I'm back to my old self. No depression, no anger… just me. Accepting the fact that there are THREE little ones inside of me. (Ok. Maybe I'm still in shock a bit. We'll know that the shock is wearing off when I can stop typing the word 'three' in all caps. :))

On diet and appetite: 

Last week, I felt like I was forcing myself to eat to keep nausea at bay. I read on some multiples forum that this was common early on and not to worry, because appetite catches up. Well, "Hello, appetite!!!"  Today I woke up ravenous. Ravenous, I tell you. As if I had just run a marathon. I'm actually just imagining what that must feel like, having never done so myself. :)  But all day, every two hours, I felt that I simply must eat something. It's crazy. I kid you not, I have never been so hungry in my life (at least not this often in a day, and so soon after eating). I wasn't even remotely close to being abnormally hungry with my first pregnancy. The other problem that comes with this is that sometimes (like right now), I find myself ravenous and on the verge of nausea, and nothing sounds good to me.

10/10 The ultrasound. Beating hearts?

10/10

The ultrasound. Today was the day to find out if any or all of the three little hearts started beating in this past week. After waiting for over an hour in the room to be seen (our file had gotten buried and forgotten for a little while), the long wait was over. The midwife saw first only one viable pregnancy, with the one gestational sac being empty and the other not quite having a normal development in it. Then she saw two. Two normal developing babies, with heartbeats. both measuring 6 weeks, 5 days. The third sac was empty. This brought sadness and relief to me. Two! I could handle two (after the shock of three last week). One parent for each tiny little one. We know lovely families who have twins and have made it just fine. Two. That meant I could do Dr. Luke's twin diet instead of her triplet diet (which allows for me gaining less weight related directly to my BMI … I worry about weight and while I will do everything to protect these babies and get them as healthy a birth weight and gestational age as possible, the idea of needing to gain that weight for triplets is a little overwhelming for me.) Dave meanwhile was thinking very similar thoughts. And then came the midwife…. "Wait a second! I DO see something in that one." Three. On a closer look and different angle, we now saw three healthy little ones, with beating hearts, each measuring 6 weeks and 5 days—right on schedule. They measured .84, .82, and .80.  Back to three. Here we go, Lord!

During the office visit, I felt relatively peaceful, having gone through utter shock the week prior. But later that day, I realized (much to my surprise), that I felt depressed. Maybe it's the pregnancy hormones on triple dose… I had nothing specific coming to mind, I just felt depressed. As I tried to explain this to Dave, I laughed as I realized that in the past week, I'd very quickly gone from shock, to denial, to anger, to depression, and now all that was left was acceptance. :) (If you leave out bargaining. :)) And why on earth am I going through the stages of grief with a very wanted pregnancy?? Maybe it's just stages of shock and adjustment.  (Later, in reading Dr. Luke's book, I read that mothers of multiples, "often journey through five fairly predictable stages: shock, denial, anxiety/anger/depression, bargaining, and acceptance/adaption…essentially the same five stages of grief first described by Dr. Elisabeth Kubler-Ross (herself a triplet)."

10/9 Denial

10/9

Most of this week has involved me searching out information re: multiples and parents of multiples. I've saturated my mind with information and stories and pictures—this is likely my primary coping mechanism of intellectualization kicking in…I feel that if I have enough exposure to it, the shock will wear off. :) What's happened as a result? I am now firmly in denial. Noooo, there are NOT three babies in me. :) And, as I've yet to see their little hearts beat, this may be the case—which would be very sad. Tomorrow is the ultrasound in which we will find out if 1, 2, or 3 little hearts started beating this week. Miraculous. I'm praying for each of their safety and healthy growth, while at the same time, I remain firmly planted in denial. (Who says you can't ever be in two places at once? I am firmly in these two polar opposite states of mind.:))

Last night as Dave and I lay in bed talking through details, the best and worst case scenarios…our worries and hopes, I tearfully began to pray for our finances and provision. This morning, I got a text from my old boss asking if I could please do some work for them at home, at my convenience, for a good wage? Thank you, God, for providing this for us! A clear way of saying you hear us and will help us, if we ask. I'm thankful for that, Lord, because we just won't be able to do this on our own. We will need help and provision! Thank you for being a caring and involved God—and for bringing us challenges (this one is joyful) that make us turn to, and rely on You. 

And now, we wait, for tomorrow's ultrasound. 

10/5 Worried

10/5

Today, I'm worried and maybe a bit angry too. I'm worried for the outcome of our babies. There are SO many things that can go wrong with higher order multiple births. The risks of being born prematurely are so sobering, and 41% of triplets are born very prematurely, with the average being at 33 weeks. See below for complications. If all three make it past the first trimester and the risk of "vanishing twin syndrome" drops, and they make it to 24 weeks (the youngest age of viability), they still have a high risk of prematurity and with that, lifelong complications. I feel the tremendous weight and responsibility of doing everything I can right. (Barbara Luke's books should be coming tomorrow or Wed with education and diet to help prevent prematurity). These are my first big concerns. …Not to mention all of the other things that popped into my head when we first heard the number "three," such as, where will we put them?, $$$, attention for Zach and for each to develop appropriately, how will I breastfeed?  etc., etc., etc. In the evenings Dave and I have had moments with Zach demanding our attention, or being little-boy loud, or whiny overtired—all NORMAL parts of being a little one that is growing up. But I'll look at Dave and just say, "Times 3." implying, "HOW IN THE HECK ARE WE GONNA DEAL WITH THREE AT ONE TIME???" And yet at the same time, I am filled already with such love and protectiveness for each of them, and I KNOW God is present, He is WITH us, and He NEVER gives more than we can handle. In my best times, I think, "God is giving us these three more precious children because that is what's best for us, them, and this world." In my worst of times, I wonder, "Did God just give us children because we prayed so hard for a child, and it may not have been His "best" for us? ..similar to when Israel demanded a king, and God gave them Saul, which at times was very painful to Israel."

Complications of prematurity and higher order multiples (i.e. reasons to pray for a healthy and as-long-as-possible pregnancy):

"Although only 2 percent of singletons are born very prematurely (i.e., at less than 33 weeks gestational age), 1.4 percent of twins and 41 percent of triplets have very premature births.12 Similarly, birth weight generally decreases with an increasing number of fetuses. Although only 1 percent of singletons are born weighing less than 1,500 grams, this occurs in 10 percent of twins and 32 percent of triplets." And with quadruplets and higher, the percentages of newborns that are very premature and very small are even greater.14

Compared to singletons, neonates from multiple pregnancies have an increased incidence of serious complications including hyaline membrane disease, bronchopulmonary dysplasia, intraventricular hemorrhage, and necrotizing enterocolitis.15 In addition, the perinatal mortality rate goes up significantly with multiples. Per 1,000 births, the death rate for singletons is 8.8, but for twins it is 46.8 and for triplets 82.6.16 Multiples also have a higher incidence of congenital malformations, the most common ones being intersex, anencephaly, hydrocephaly, omphalocele, anal atresia, and tracheoesophageal fistula.17 Multiples also have long-term handicaps more frequently, including cerebral palsy, mental retardation, chronic lung disease, and retinopathy of prematurity.18 The incidence of cerebral palsy increases with an increasing number of fetuses; the number of cases per 1,000 pregnancies is 1.6 for singletons, but 13.2 for twins and 75.9 for triplets.19 This represents a forty-seven-fold increase, comparing triplet and singleton pregnancies.

(Too many twins, triplets, quadruplets, and so on: a call for new priorities, by Strong, Carson Publication: The Journal of Law, Medicine & Ethics 

Date: Tuesday, July 1 2003 )

10/4 Busyness is refreshing.

10/4

I was at the hospital today doing my clinical rotations. It was a busy day and I didn't have time to think on (or dwell on) our most recently known condition—pregnant with triplets! It was refreshing to be away from it for a day…to not think through all implications. The only time I really thought about it was when I heard the lullaby come over the speakers that signals when a baby has been born. It made me wonder if they'll be playing it three times in a row for us. (They did, by the way! — Added 8/31/10)

10/3 How long have we known now? One day!

10/3 

Is it possible that we have known this for just a day now? …It feels like a week! I spent much of last night looking for dietary advice and articles and blogs on mothers of multiples, rather than doing much homework. I feel weary! Emotionally weary… God, I will stop obsessing. Will you help me to trust you with this? …with today's burden/joy? …to not borrow worries from tomorrow? ….and to help me concentrate on my tasks at hand? (i.e. homework and family!)

10/2 Weird things that made me wonder if there was more than just one...

10/2

Weird things that made me wonder…

Day 11's pregnancy test was so much darker than day 10's. It made me wonder if my HCG wasn't doubling faster than normal. 

I began to get heartburn right away. Today, I read that heartburn is common early on in triplet pregnancies. ha..ha..ha....go figure!! (the progesterone weakens the esophageal flap and so stomach acid creeps up)

I also had shortness of breath right away - progesterone has an effect on the lungs and can do this. Since mine was increasing so rapidly, my body noticed!

I began to have queasiness in week 4. 

(The above 3 were symptoms SO early that I thought I was psychosomatically making up pregnant symptoms…or if I was coincidentally sick with a virus, etc.)

I was aware of my uterus in week 4! I could feel it when I bent over. Way too early for this! This was like week 8+ with Zachary, but people have told me that the uterus stretches faster with a 2nd pregnancy and you know what to expect and feel. 

Then, it just kept coming to mind that there could be more than one. (And more than one,… I wondered if there might be three. Weird!…so weird.)

10/2 "A hazelnut latte...and did she say, 'THREE'?!?!" That's a "latte!"

10/2: Our first scan. It was too early today to see a heartbeat, but we did see a little gestational sac. There it was. Zachary's sibling, our next child. We'd just had our first encounter with our little one. The midwife made some comment about, "There it is, just one! …sometimes it's exciting to have more than one, but one is good!" I replied with some sort of a pshht sound to the idea of multiples, glad of just one. She wasn't able to get around the uterus for a different angle (mine's tipped a bit and can be tricky), so she moved instead to scan the fallopian tubes to make sure there was no ectopic pregnancy and to measure my ovarian cysts. Dave at this point had started daydream about what he was going to order from Starbucks when we were through with the scan. After all, the midwife was just wrapping up… I on the other hand had a much better view of her face and watched her intently as she started scrunching up her face and leaning in to the look closer at the screen now and again. "What do you see?" I asked. The reply, "I was able to get to the back of your uterus now, and I see, one, two, three pregnancies!"  "WHAT!?!?!?" came my very surprised, tearfully stunned, and oh-so-articulate exclamation. Dave's head snapped to..Something about a hazelnut latte, and …did she just say THREE!?!? This was followed my much stunned conversation, Dave and I grasping for each others' hands, me tearing up and shaking….not sure what to do with this information. I was so glad, to be sure, of them, but the shock of three was overwhelming. Two would be hard to carry, birth and raise, (heck, one is) but…THREE?? My thoughts raced. I'm 5'1"!!! Only tall women should have multiples. My torso ran out of room in my pregnancy with Zachary! how in the world would three fit in there? Preterm complications and the NICU flashed in my head. (I'm a nursing major and L&D/women's health is where I want to practice, so there may be a few more details in my head readily available to obsess over.) Where would we put them all? …breastfeeding???…something I am committed to doing, just became a whole lot harder logistically.  

All who know me, know that since having Zachary, having twins was my worst nightmare. Zachary is wonderful! No doubt about this. The joy of parenting him is indescribable. There are so many challenges, however in parenting (whether it's breastfeeding the newborn, or parenting a toddler or preschooler), that there's no way I wanted more than one at a time. Some girls dream about having twins—not me! The main question I face (and perhaps all parents do) is how to keep sane and do my best and give our son what he needs emotionally, physically, mentally, and spiritually to develop into the amazing young man I know he is becoming.  To do this with more than one??? Wow. So now, I'd like to revise my worst nightmare. I believe that triplets would be harder. Much harder. But it is God who has given us this path, and it is God who will be with us every step of the way. 

"Had there been any other condition that would have been better for you, the Lord would have put you there."  Charles Spurgeon 

"There is enough in Christ for all my necessities; let me not be slow to avail myself of Him." Spurgeon

Today was too early to see heartbeats yet. The Nurse Midwife said that this is very normal, but 'you never know..sometimes one or more just don't develop. But with three, we've got a very good chance of having at least one healthy, developing little one.')  We'll go back on 10/10 for our next scan. And in the meantime, I'll TRY not to obsess about the possibility of three little ones developing inside of me.