2/27
Can you tell it's been busy??? It's definitely not that I haven't been experiencing 2 months of emotions and physical growth and changes! I just can't believe how busy life can become (and this, I say before triplets!…) Well, let me go back and see if I can capture some of the thoughts and processing I've been going through since my last entry.
First, we found out that we were having—ALL BOYS! This came as quite a shock. Once again, I found myself "yelling" (ok, more like exclaiming) at the sonographer, "YOU COULDN'T HAVE GIVEN ME ONE GIRL???" She took this rather well and turned and yelled at Dave, "YOU COULDN'T'VE GIVEN HER ONE GIRL???" :) Well, after the excitement, we continued on to look at our beautiful healthy boys. I was so thankful that they were healthy and decided that I was so happy and thankful for these three healthy little boys growing inside me. It's funny how we think we can "decide" on emotions. I process a lot of things cognitively, but there's no denying that I am full of emotion that needs to be processed honestly in order to truly get to healthy, joyful acceptance. Dave and I were not 20 steps outside of Kaiser Sand Canyon when we said to each other, "So…maybe we try for a girl in a few years. …Five is a lot!!! FOUR is a lot! … but…maybe we try for a girl." :) That night when we went to bed, I started sobbing over the fact that I wasn't having a girl—not even one. It's not like me to sob…really and truly sob, but I did. I've wanted a little girl for over 5 years—a little girl with little pink dresses, and cute little clothes; someone to go shopping with, bake and cook with, get pedicures together, and have heart-to-hearts with. I enjoy sports, playing sports, watching sports, and running around. And Zach and I do love to bake together. But I'm a girl, through and through, and there's something to sharing life with other women. I know that even if I were to have a girl, that she might not enjoy the same kind of activities as me. I've been told, 'Oh she'd probably be a tomboy, with all those brothers,' but let me dream, people! I know! I've enjoyed every bit of Zachary, but something in my heart yearns still for a girl. And, let me cling to the hope that if God should ever bless me with a girl, that we would share a close, meaningful, enjoyable, and girly life-long relationship. And should God not bless me with a girl, I need to grieve the loss of these ideals. It doesn't soothe the loss completely to know that this is what God has chosen for us and He is sovereign and He is good, and He knows best… It does help knowing these things. And it helps even more knowing that He is with me on this journey. But it's still a journey I must take. And so the processing began.
One day, I found myself at Target while Zach was at preschool. At Target—alone! Ahhh….Let the browsing begin! I wandered slowly up and down the baby aisles, looking at the cute little outfits, car seat toys, and blankets; deciding which bottles I would use for the third baby who's not breastfeeding during that given feeding, etc and I began to get excited about the sweet infant stage that was coming my way. It's not true what people say, you know; that the infant stage is the hardest. Maybe with three it will be, managing the round the clock feedings and the diapers and crying, etc. But to me, with Zachary, looking back, as hard as it was, there was just a simple joy to it. This sweet, beautiful, dependent little baby, didn't make constant noise, clutter, and ask the toughest of questions. He just cooed, and slept, and fed, and looked up at me, and smiled. :) (Dear Lord, let these next three escape colic too!!!) There are truly wonderful things at every stage of development. As I looked through the infant paraphernalia, I found myself getting looking forward to welcoming these three little ones into the world! …And then it happened. Pink. Pink car seat toys, pink bath toys, pink little dresses, and <gasps> the icing on the cake—a pink little ballerina set, complete with pink tutu and shoes. Sighs. I walked out to the car and called my mother-in-law, who had been hoping with me for the last few years that our next one would be a little girl. It was so good to share my heart with her—my honest feelings of longing without having to feel feelings of guilt for being ungrateful to God for these three precious boys. From her, I never get "shoulds" and corrections on feelings. She feels free to speak Truth to me at times, but when she does, it always seem like the right time to hear it. And on that day, she did what I needed most at that moment. She reflected my feelings back and shared with me sympathetically the sadness of not expecting a girl, sharing her disappointment as well. I'm pretty sure we ended our conversation looking forward to these three little ones coming, and then those feelings were more sincere than if we'd steamrolled our disappointments. You see?? That's what having a little girl is about to me! That relationship of getting to share life with other women. It's a special bond—that starts from birth with that little girl. Anyway, I have already begun to pray for my relationship with my future daughter-in-laws!
So here I am. 26.5 (26 weeks and 5 days). 9 weeks, 2 more days to go. By 28 weeks, the lungs will have matured a lot more. And by 33-34 weeks, there'll be a much lower chance of any long term complications. Lord, please help us to get to 36 weeks with healthy little boys!
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